What a day!

Today is kind of a reflective day for me.  Two years ago I underwent open heart surgery under the skillful hand of Dr. Brian Castlemain.  He fixed my heart as much as he could and then when things started going very wrong in ICU later that afternoon, he saved my life again. 

There is much to be said about near death experiences.  I remember mine quite vividly.  For two years now I have been trying to make sense of that event.  I'm not sure I have accomplished that yet. 

As I was coming out of the anesthesia at about 4pm the afternoon after my surgery I remember hearing a female voice saying that I had no blood pressure.  It is my understanding that that is a bad thing.  All I could see was darkness.  I couldn't move my hands as they were shackled to the bed and I could not speak because of the respirator in my throat.  My cardiologist, Dr. Bissing would later tell me that I was hearing everything because the hearing is the last thing to go.  He would also later tell me that I didn't die because I wasn't ready.  He said he can tell which patients will make it through the surgery and which ones won't simply by their attitudes.  He says some people are just not willing to fight for their lives.

I listened to everything that was going on in the darkness around me but amazingly enough, I felt very serene despite the sounds of urgency in everyone's voices.  Dr. Castlemain sounded somewhat panicked that the anesthesiologist was not there yet.  He was pounding on my chest, adjust tubes in my chest and pushing and squeezing everything near my chest.  I heard a female voice yelling out that something else was failing.  The one thing I remember thinking to myself is wondering if this is what dying was like. 

Then I remember seeing the most beautiful "field of blue" in the darkness above me.  It reminded me of looking up at the milky way on a dark summer's night.  But this color and beauty was indescribable.  The feeling of security and warmth was also quite beautiful.  There came a time when I could no longer hear the panicked voices of the doctor's, just serenity.  Then, all of a sudden I felt the rush of warm liquid all over my neck and chest as apparently the breathing tube was yoinked out of me, allowing me to breathe on my own.  The last thing I remember was panting like a dog and breathing on my own. That would be the last thing I remember until waking up again Wednesday morning, sitting in the chair next to my bed.

There are many things about that event that I have never discussed with anyone and I'm not sure if I ever will speak of them to anyone.  Not for any particular reason, but because I don't know myself what it all means.  Plus I don't want anyone to think that I am more mental than they already think I am.

What I do know is, is  that I want everyone I love to believe so we can all be together,  forever.

That is all...Peters out!