Advantages...

to having open heart surgery! I got to thinking the other day. Now that the emotional trauma of getting my chest ripped open, my rib cage spread apart far enough to park a school bus in my chest cavity, a shoulder that only goes halfway up ruining my chances for a professional baseball career and listening to the surgeons trying to figure out what that annoying high pitched sound is, I'd say it's time to look at the bright side.

I thought I had the coolest scar ever after they unwrapped my chest. I was wrong...it got even cooler. The sutchers inside my scar, from the place where my rib cage goes together in the middle and down to about 6 inches above my navel, have come apart. I know you're thinking, poor Tim. Don't feel sorry for me. The doctors have already said they won't go in to fix it because of the risk of infection. But that's okay!

Since just some scar tissue and skin are now holding in my insides I've come up with a solution. My diaphragm is causing the area to bulge considerably and I can control the bulging, I have decided to go have a nipple tatooed onto my middle man-boob. Just think of all the kids I'll make laugh, or sick, at the pool. I could probably make it big on the circus scene as Timbo, the three boobed man! I could make the rounds of all the state fairs, get booked on Maury, Jerry Springer and Oprah. And, if I really play my cards right, Geraldo could do a complete hour show on it.

I'd include a picture, but sorry, no freebies! This thing could be a marketing marvel. The only downside to this is in a couple of years, a boob lift would cost me 33% more than the normal procedure. Damn, just my luck. Back to the drawing board.

That is all...Peters out!