The Day has Come....

It's Monday afternoon, the day before my life will be altered forever.  Either I am extremely naive or hopelessly optimistic but I can't believe that I am so "not bothered" by what lies ahead Tuesday morning.  At 7 am Tuesday I am getting my chest ripped open and they are going to yank veins from my leg and use them in my chest. 

Tuesday will affect my life more than I ever could have imagined.  Ususally, during open heart surgery, the patient goes under the anesthesia and wakes up sometime later and remembers nothing in between.  This won't be the case for me.  My surgery began at 7am and they finished up at about 1pm.  The only thing we know for sure is that I received 8 transfusions, if not more.  As I lay in the Intensive Care Unit I remember listening to Stacy and the nurse discussing the fact that I can hear them but I won't remember anything.  It's true, I could hear them and yes, I do remember it. 

At about 4 that afternoon I started coming out of the anesthesia and was aware of my surroundings despite being shackled to the bed and being on a respirator.  This was also the time I remember hearing a female voice telling someone that I had no blood pressure.  Stacy told me that they had already scooted the family out of the room and pulled the curtains as my body functions began to shut down for no apparent reason.  From my perspective, I was laying in a dark room full of people who were discussing intibation and anesthesia and going back to surgery and the sounds of machines beeping.  I could hear the panic in Dr. Castlemain's voice as he discussed different options about opening my chest back up.  I recall thinking that I was having trouble breathing but I couldn't tell them as there were tubes in my throat and the words just wouldn't come.

Stacy says they worked on me from 4pm to 8 pm.  From my perspective it seemed like about 15 minutes.  It's hard to describe what I was feeling.  I can tell you there was no fear.  I thought about the fact that I may die, but I  just had this overwhelming feeling of peace.  The only thing I could see was an incredibly beautiful field of blue.  Kind of like looking up at a clear summer night's sky to see the milky way.  I thought about my wife and my children and thought to myself that I never had the chance to say goodbye and that bothered me.  I thought "This is not a good time for me to die."  Later on Dr. Bissing, my cardliologist would tell me that I wasn't ready to die and for that simple reason I didn't.  Dr. Bissing also said that I had no other senses but hearing  because hearing is the last one to go.

All this time the doctors were working on me.  Then, as if time fast forwarded, I felt a warm liquid on my neck and chest and the doctor asking "Where did that come from?"  At that point, everything seemed to get very quiet and I remember just laying there panting.  Then, all of a sudden, I was sitting in a recliner chair and it was Wednesday morning.  They had pulled the breathing tube out of my mouth and my lungs literally exploded with the fluid that apparently had been filling my lungs.  I can only assume that the tube was in incorrectly.

What I didn't realize until I heard my family's side of the story was that I have a huge lapse in the amount of time I remember lying in ICU while they worked on me.  I have some memories of that lapse of time but I think at this time I will just keep those personal.  I will say that the experience completely changed the way I look at death and what happens when we die.  I can't say my whole life passed before me but the important things did.

Let me just leave you with this thought.  If you are ever in a position where a loved one is dying and does not seem to be conscious, I can almost guarantee they can hear every word you say.  Make sure you talk to them and let them know how you feel. 

That is all...Peters out!