Will work for food and diapers...

Dear friends in and out of radio. 

It is I, the formerly talented and recently humbled, part time, on call pig sperm delivery driver, Tim Peters checking in to inquire as to employment opportunities within the industry.  Needless to say, after so many years in radio, delivering frozen pig sperm is not where I dreamed I'd end up.  I am still in search of a position within radio and preferably in or near the Kansas City market, if there are any left.   

I would also like to remind managers on this auspicious list of radio greats that I also do commercial production and station imaging,  if you know of any stations in need of those talents.  After finding out today that  may lose my largest imaging accounts I now can offer station imaging at prices that would impress Sam Walton.  I am also available on saturday nights to DJ weddings, bar mitzvahs and adolescent hip hop get togethers.  Of course, I am always available to deliver pig sperm if you need that service. 

I have about a month of unemployment left, so if you hear of any positions feel free to contact me directly.  I must say, my confidence is at an all time low since the pig sperm delivery job is the only interview I have gotten in over 100 applications.  Please be gentle, and feel free to just drop a line to say hi.  As always, best of everything to all and I'll just sit back now and wait the the flood of job offers to pour in.  Please feel free to come by the Peters' family bake sale this weekend and every weekend on a busy traffic island near you.

That is all...Peters out!

Rock Bottom...at our service.,..

I didn't add any new material last Friday as I was knee deep in a job interview.  I had given up on sending neat, impressive looking resumes.  After all, I had just been turned down as a shuttle driver for the Marriott because I wasn't qualified.  So I come across an ad for a delivery driver.  I send a somewhat sarcastic e mail in reply that says my resume has nothing to do with this position but if you want an honest, dependable and reliable employee that doesn't drink or do drugs or smoke, give me a call.  So, they called last Thursday, I got hired over the phone and went out Friday to fill out paperwork.  You are reading the blog of ASAP Land Express' newest "Part time, on call delivery driver." 

I got called the first time yesterday afternoon to make my first run.  I was to deliver a case of roast beef to a Panera in Independence and three cases of frozen cinnamon rolls to Panera in Columbia.  I also had to pick up a package at air express at the airport and take it back to the warehouse before I headed out.  My very first delivery was pig sperm!  It helped me to realize that being a part time on call delivery driver probably wasn't the worst job in the world.  It was the third worst.  My guess the last two are a tie.  The worst job in the world was either the pig prostate tickler or the pig sperm delivery receiver.

I just did the delivery and hoped that Panera customers wouldn't think their cinnamon rolls had kind a a wang to them.  By the way, I am thinking of changing my name to "Rock Bottom".

That is all...Peters out!

 

Beaumont...sweat 'til you die! Pt Duh

Okay, so it has rained constantly we have had more beer than we should have, Colonel Sanders has us in a death grip at every meal and the Beaumont salute was invented...One arm in the air as to indicate sweating into a toilet.  The idea of this trip was to "mentor" our fellow radio professionals at the Beaumont stations.  I was set up to be with the morning man and would be staying at his house.  What really transpired was the morning man was busy practicing to be Charley Pride's opening act and I would be "mentoring" his lonely and apparently under loved wife.  Needless to say, I was going to need to find other sleeping arrangements. 

But before we sleep, we needed to party.  "Dream Team" afternoon newsman Dean Curfman and I headed off to a local night spot and introduced more alcohol into our systems.  It was late by the time we finished doing that so we opted for a cab ride to the hotel that Jim Long, the radio stations' owner was residing.  We checked in as Jim's guest and added the room to his bill.   We had asked for the room that adjoined Jim's room which just happened to be available.  Being in a mood for some shenanigans, we made sure that Jim knew that a newly married, virgin couple was next door consummating their vows....all night long.  That headboard must have hit the wall a thousand time.  Luckily, Jim was a gentleman and didn't disturb our drunken escapades.  I did over hear him the next day telling Roger he didn't get any sleep the night before.  (chuckle)

So, after a breakfast of chicken and biscuits, we all were honorary security for the Charley Pride concert.  The morning man, Gary Lee opened and I remember Jim saying that "for a singer, he was a pretty good morning man."  That me be only the second time I remember Jim saying something funny.

Not a single one of us went to the bathroom during that weekend as we sweated most fluids out of our bodies.  The only thing the bathroom was used for was drinking related injuries. 

The bus ride back to Houston was somewhat quiet.  Luckily, Lisa Alan and I got a second wind and yoinked out the cassette (a little plastic thing with audio tape inside that plays music) of OOga Chaka music to lead our group through the terminal.  One lucky security guard ended up with Charley Pride backstage passes all over him. 

Even though I am unemployed, destitute, and sometimes suicidal, I still am able to live in the past and smile every now and then.  Those were the GREAT days of radio.

That is all...Peters out!

Nobody reminded me....

So I'm goig to write about the "Dream team's" trip to Beaumont Texas. 

The Wichita stations were doing so well in the early eighties that Jim Long and Charley Pride decided to buy a pair of stations in Beaumont Texas.  They also decided to send the "Dream team" to Beaumont for Charley's kickoff concert for the radio stations.  One person from each department would go and be a model for their counterpart in Beaumont.  The news guy Mark Elliiot with the news guy from Beaumont, sales person Lisa Allan with sales people from Beaumont, the morning guy with the Beaumont morning guy's wife.  It only right at the time since the morning guy was busy doing coke and rehearsing to be the opening act.

The flight started out simple enough.  Pretty much all of the dream team was intoxicated before we ever got off the ground in Wichita.  It was a party flight.  Theme song:  "Hooked on a Feeling"  by Blue Swede...ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga ooga...all the way down and all through the Houston airport.  We boarded a chartered bus to take us to Beaumont because apparently there were cattle or something feeding on the runway in Beaumont.  The bus, as per Sales Manager Ken Clifford's instructions, stopped at the first liquor store for many cases of beer.

As we drove in the driving rain towards Beaumont we consumed many of those beers and threw the empties into the stairwell at the front of the bus.  We continued to get more and more intoxicated.  As the bus pulled up in front of the Beaumont stations, H. Roger Dodson had the staff lined up in the parking lot, during the only cessation of te rain we would have, awaiting our arrival.  The movie Stripes was a big hit about that time and I decided to borrow a line from the movie where Bill Murray exits a private jet and proclaims, "What tha...a surprise party for me?"  As I deliverd the line and as the bus door opened and the many beer cans poured out into the parking lot, I swear I saw Roger's jaw hit the gravel.

Roger forgave us and took everyone to a park where it continued to rain, and they fed us what would be the first of many fried chicken meals.  We also learned that the Beaumont area is quite humid and none of us would need a bathroom for the rest of the weekend as we sweated all moisture out of our bodies pretty much on a constant basis during the trip.

Coming up, more chicken meals, bonding with the morning guy's wife, keeping Jim Long up all night and the trip home.  Stay tuned....

That is all (for now)...Peters out!