Things that make you go Hmmmmm....

I have to wonder if the world would be a different place if Iraq's main export was playground equipment.  Would we still be fighting a war there?  Afterall, there are places in America where there are shortages of playground equipment.  I also wonder what you would call a fly if he had no wings?  A "walk" maybe?  When vultures fly, are they allowed carry on luggage?  When you see a snake do you wonder where he's from?  I wonder about the guy who has everything.  I don't have close to everything and I have huge storage problems.  I'm still looking for the any key on my computer.  I have a bunch of stuff that I can't finish without it.

Seriously, my mind is wandering because I just found out about our new owner's health insurance program.  Our monthly rates have now tripled.  The people that had heart attacks when they heard the new rates won't get to participate in the plan. This, I believe is the first of many stark realizations about the new owners.  I doubt that assistants will not get to have their own assistants anymore.  I think there will be managers who will have to tell the new owners exactly what it is they do all day, and justify it.  Or at least have their asistants tell them.  I believe that multitasking is going to take on a whole new meaning for a lot of people.

Everybody thought we had it bad when CBS owned the station because they wouldn't give us enough promotion money.  The new company probably won't give us much promotion money or salary money.  I'm going to start bringing my own toilet paper to work just in case there's no budget for that  Welcome to the world of investment companies.  Their only investment is in themselves apparently. 

I went to the bookstore and asked the lady where the self help section was and she said, "Doesn't that defeat the purpose?"  I feel like I'm  moving at the speed of dark!

Book 'em Danno!

Well, Bradyn and I went to court yesterday to defend his speeding/defective muffler/no lap belt charges.  Until yesterday, Bradyn had been giving thought that he may want to be a lawyer or a cop.  I think now he may be reconsidering both.

I was not allowed to represent my minor son in court.so I got to stand with him and put words in his mouth to plead his case.  I felt like putting my hand up his back and doing a Charlie McCarthy ventriloqist thing.

So the prosecutor, a 30 ish woman seriously lacking in personality begins with the routine questions to the police officer.  Did you tune the radar?  Are you an expert? Blah, blah blah....then bradyn gets to ask questions.  Where were you sitting?  Could you see my car coming?  Actually the officer admitted that trees blocked his vision, so wouldn't trees block the radar's vision too?  A question we neglected to ask.  We showed our diagram of the street and shared other solid evidence to support our case.  Then we got on the issue of the muffler "amplifying" the car's sound.  Bradyn stated that the muffler is sold as a muffler and that's what it is.  Miss Jane Hathaway asked Bradyn if the muffler company isn't in business to make money so they'll tell you anything to sell you the muffler.  How many years of school to come up with that brilliant strategy?

We only had one option at that point and that is to drag everyone out into the rain to examine the car's exhaust.  The judge came out and looked under the car and inside the muffler.  (I believe he actually knew what a glass pack muffler was.)  While the judge did his inspection, officer Steve decided he hadn't harrassed us enough so he ran Bradyn's plate through the dispatcher.  Kinda funny...as we stood outside waiting for the judge an old Ford Bronco went by without any type of muffler and we commented to Miss Jane and Officer Steve that that is what a defector muffler sounds like.  Bradyn commented, "Where's a cop when you need one?"  They didn't find any humor in the comment.  Officer Steve commented once back in the courtroom that the muffler did not sound the same as it did on the offending day.  Maybe because it wasn't that loud to begin with officer.  When you're just harrassing kids getting out of school and not really fighting crime, your judgement begins to blur.

Well, we won the muffler dispute but lost the speeding charge.  And I think the court lost the interest of a bright young man that had once wanted to be a steward of the court.  Bradyn and I have come to the conclusion that "Protect and Serve" is no longer the case.  More like "Shakedown and Harrass". 

Court date for me and Officer John Wayne next Friday.  Remember?  No turn signal for a lane change and no license plate lights at midnight?  Why don't people respect "law enforcement" these days?  Maybe because it doesn't fit that definition anymore. 
 

Hi Ho its off to court we go...

Well, here we go.  Bradyn and I get to go before a judge tomorrow to defend his speeding/muffler/seatbelt ticket. 

When Bradyn called on the second day of school and told me he got a speeding ticket I said "I told you so!".  But then he told me the situation where the motorcycle officer was less than a city block from where he turned onto the street and claims he clocked him at 51 mph.  Then I said, not possible.  I went out and measured the distance and then tested it myself in a very well running suv with a V-8.  There is no way that Bradyn's little 4 cylinder car got to 51 mph before the officer got him on radar.  This would have to be SUPERCOP!  He would have had to turn around after he said he heard Bradyn coming, point and lock the radar, prevent the radar signal from setting off Bradyn's radar detector, put the radar away in his saddlebag thing, start the motorcycle and be moving towards the street by the time Bradyn passed him.  All of this in 450 feet and in less than 5 seconds.  You do the math.  It's just not possible.

Bradyn has passed this officer running radar on a different day and amazingly enough his radar set off the radar detector.  This just hit a little close to home for me.  I got a similar ticket one day after high school on my motorcyle for a "defective" muffler.  I beat the charge because it was just some officers giving some high school kids some crap.  It didn't hurt that I had my cousin's husband, an aspiring young attorney and future District Court Judge defend me.

So, Bradyn and I will go to the Shawnee courthouse to do battle.  I'll let you know how it goes, unless we use our phone call to call a bail bondsman.

Jail time for your thoughts...

I just want to keep everyone up to date when I get pulled over on the way home from work.  Another Friday night DUI stop, but this one was in Missouri.  This is my first Missouri stop.  I only had to wait in traffic for 30 minutes to find out I was not drunk.  I was elated to find that out. I did have to take a little oral quiz though.

Barely out of the Plaza area of Kansas city and here it comes...flashing lights, side streets (escape routes), blocked by police, lined up tow trucks and four lanes of traffic all waiting to be quizzed by waiting officers.  Bradyn had called earlier and had just gone through it but said it was further down the road.  It wasn't and there I sat.

I was scared to death that Officer John Wayne from Westwood was going to be there and ticket me or even arrest me for something like dim dashboard lights or low fluid levels.  But I was relieved to be quizzed by a nice Deputy who of course asked where I was coming from.  I said I just got off work in the Plaza.  He asked, "Where do you work?", to which I replied "KFKF radio."  As he was looking at my driver's license he asked, "What's your name?"  I immediately thought to myself, he thinks I have someone else's license because it says my name right on it.  For a moment I thought maybe I should just run for it, if I serpentine he probably will only hit me with one maybe two shots.  But I replied "Tim Peters."  He asked if that was my real name and I thought "No, it's really Harry Assenback".  He asked "Where you heading?"  I thought to myself, "Where do you go when you get off work?", but I thought bett er of it and said "Home".  He asked, "Where's home?" to which I thought, "What does it say on the license, did you want to come over" but I actually said "Lenexa".

He thanked me for my patience and I thanked him for not being able to read my mind.  He gave me a red card to show the officer's as I continued through the gauntlet.  I drove by waving my red card and exclaiming "I passed, I passed!  I don't know how, but I passed!"  They laughed and I was on my merry way.

See, not all police stops are cruel, profane and amateurish.  I saw Westwood's John Wayne up the street two blocks teaching a family he had stopped for dirty windows the "F" word and how to use it when writing them a bogus ticket.  Probably only about a $500 fine for that.  I think I might have seen him swing a night stick once in the driver's window as I went by.  I almost honked, but then thought, that's probably illegal in Westwood too.

I'm an oxy-moron!

These are some of the thoughts that have actually passed through my brain.

Why is it we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?  I never really understood that until living in Kansas City for awhile.  Why are asteroids found in outer space and hemorroids are found, well, you know where.  Shouldn't it be the other way around?  Why is it as people age they get smaller but their cars get bigger? Never drive behind someone wearing a hat!  It means they are elderly and likely to cause me to run into a tanker truck. I cannot for the life of me think of a synonym for thesaurus.  Can someone tell me why there's braille on the touch pad of a drive up ATM?  Why does a company that lays off 120 people in one day claim to have a "Corporate Business Ethics" code of conduct?

How can someone be "pretty ugly" or "a little pregnant"?  What about someone having a "healthy tan", or exactly how does a "head butt work?"  For that matter, how can someone be a "butthead"?  How does the "same difference" , "tight slacks", "jumbo shrimp" or "Microsoft Works" make any sense?  None of these things make any sense to me,  thus I tend to think about them more.

Here are some more things that make no sense, in alphabetical order. Academic sorority, Apple tech support, business ethics, Central Intelligence Agency, dead livestock, educational television, (Play that) funky music white boy, government worker, honest politician, income tax, job security, legal justice, management support, necessary evil, one size fits all, public school education, quiet riot, Reagon memoirs, Senate Ethics Committee, twelve ounce pound cake, United Nations, victimless crime, wireless cable.  You'll have to come up with your own X, Y and Z, my brain hurts.

I'm not stupid, I'm must be an oxy-moron.

OJ's not just for breakfast!

The OJ Simpson Trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a limo, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!

When I came home, I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

My friend, he took me for a ride.
All through LA, from side to side.
From north to south, we took a ride.
But from the cops we could not hide.

My trial lasted for a year.
A year! A year! Just sitting here!
The DNA, the HEM, the HAW!
The circus-hype the viewers saw!
A year! A year! Just sitting here!

Did you do this awful crime?
Did you do this anytime?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

Did you hit her from above.
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.

The glove you see it doesn't fit
The lawyer says you must acquit
Acquit because the cops all lied
Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried

The jury came back verdict in hand
and silence fell across the land
Not guilty, not guilty they did decree
Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Now would you please return my glove!!

It's Not Who You Know....

Is working with me good luck....for them?  I would say...possibly.  My first news man in Wichita was Mark Elliot.  You might hear him of radio stations across America as Mark Woolsey from The Weather Channel radio weather service.  Then there was Laurie Roberts who went on to KSNW TV in Wichita, then she anchored the news in Kansas City and now works for a PR firm in Kansas City.  Tracy West, known as "The Beaver" on my show on KEYN went on to be a news anchor on KWCH Channel 12 in Wichita and last I heard she was on tv in Oklahoma City.  Melissa McDermot never actually worked with me but filled in on the news occasionally and went to high school in Goddard and graduated with my wife.  She just retired from CBS TV as she was the news anchor in the late night slot.  You can see Melissa in the picture right after she put a pie in my face during a celebrity waiters lunch for charity. Gloria Goodwin performs radio duties on Star 104.5 in Omaha, Steve Lundy is on 103.7 the Kat in Omaha and is up for the CMA medium market air personality of the year.  You can see Lundy from the early 80's in the picture of the KOIL Good Guys from the September post.  Dean Curfman was my news guy for awhile and I believe he is still working in Denver radio.  A fellow named Steve Doocey was the co-host of PM Magazine on KAKE-TV in Wichita and filled in on news fairly often.  He is now one of the anchors of Fox and Friends in the morning on the Fox News Channel.  Greg Jarret from The Fox News Channel filled in on news a couple of times.  You'll remember him from the tornado footage near Cassoday, Kansas where he, his photographer and some other people took refuge under an interstate bridge as a tornado went over.  David Bloom filled in on the news for me and went on to be a member of NBC Nightly News.  You'll remember we lost David in Iraq.  He was a genuinely nice person.

There are a few people who worked with me that either went on to success or oblivion.  As for myself, I chose oblivion!

Watcha gonna do when they come for you...

Last week Stacy and I, and I imagine neighbors for blocks around, were awakened at 2 am by the sounds of screeching tires.  I thought to myself, this is really a long accident in progress.  The tire screeching continued for nearly a half hour until I finally got up, got dressed and got in the truck to seek out the source of the disturbance.  Stacy joined me still in her night clothes...she looked hot.  Anyway, we drove around in the industrial area near our neighborhood and could hear the screeching tires but could not find the cars doing it.  We drove around for thirty minutes and finally found a group of tire screeching enthusiasts behind some buildings racing and spinning and smoking their tires on a home built road course. 

Luckily, I had my big MagLite and was able to shine it down on them as we were in the parking area overlooking the parking lot they were screeching in.  I would have to say these guys were fearless.  Our presence didn't deter them from their appointed screeching duties.  We decided to go back to the house and get a cell phone and see if we could get the Lenexa police to come and beg them to stop their screeching so we could get some sleep.  By the time we got back, they were gone.  Stacy said she bet they went to Quik Trip to bask in the afterglow of leaving most of the tread on their tires back on the asphalt.  As we drove by QT, there they were and there went a Lenexa officer.  We chased him down to tell him they were the ones doing the illegal screeching.  We even showed him where the clandestine screeching was taking place. 

He said he had given them a stern talking to and they probably won't be screeching any more that night.  What a relief!  I just kind of wished one of them would have had a license plate light out so he could have thrown them in jail for the night and their parents could come down and they could explain to them that they ignored the burnt out light and that's why they were staying at the graybar inn for the night. 

Isn't it ironic?  Screeching tires loud enough to be heard over three blocks away at 3 in the morning and they get a stern talking to.  I pass through Westwood and get socked with $160 in fines for misuse of a turn signal and get cussed at.  What a wacky world we live in. 

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

Well, it was announced today that our radio stations were finally sold by CBS.  We even got to meet the new owners and they seemed nice enough.  Now comes the ulcers and frequent vomitting wondering who's gonna get to be successful somewhere else.  It always happens.  I've been through three station sales and ended up unemployed twice. 

The first time was back in Wichita, KEYN FM to be exact.  When I first went to Wichita I worked for Long-Pride Broadcasting, the Pride part of that being Charley Pride.  Only met him twice.though.  Anyway, they sold the stations to Aberdeen Communications.  They were a holding company that were into pharmaceuticals and industrial lubricants.  That makes them a perfect fit to own radio stations, don't you think?  That ownership lasted 4 years before they gave it back to the bank.  The receiver came to the station and fired my friend Lisa Allan first.  She was the General Manager of the station.  I gave her a ride home that day as we lived near each other and her car was in the shop.  I no sooner got home when the phone rang and the voice told me they needed me back at the station.

So, after I was fired, I had to drive myself  home.  We went back that night to clean out my office so we stopped to get some boxes out of a dumpster.  I pulled out a box that had a small copier inside.  I said to myself, "This must be my lucky day!"  Even better, it worked!  I lost a 6 figure job but found a used $150 piece of office equipment.

A couple of months later I got hired on at KYQQ and that's where Dan Holiday and I did our first morning show together.  We did things like Roxy the airborne scavenger hunt, The hidden Christmas Salami and had a 1959 pink Cadillac we named the Party Pig.  Dan has a great story about the Party Pig when he was nearly arrested driving it.

The fun lasted a year.  The Friday before Christmas we went off the air and I went and climbed our 1200 foot tower to put us back on the air.  Luckily I only had to go up about 400 feet since I didn't have any safety equipment on.  The General Manager fired me two weeks later. The owner eventually went to jail for defrauding a big bank out of some obscene amount of money and the sheriff had to forcibly remove the GM who had barricaded himself in his office.  Those were my last days of radio in Wichita.  We sold our dreamhouse we built and moved into on Stacy's birthday and eventually moved to Lincoln Nebraska.

Whoever said "Change is good" should be dragged out in the country and shot!. 

ROAD TRIP!

Weekends were made for...disaster!  Sometimes it just seems like if it wasn't for bad luck, we wouldn't have any luck at all.  The weekend started out innocent enough.  The family gathered at Mom and Dad's for breakfast skillets before we loaded up two cars to head to Wichita for nephew Rylee's nuptials with Nichole.  We wanted to get out on the road by 9:30,  so 10:15 was as close as we ever get to being on a schedule.  There were 7 of us going therefore the need for two cars as the bus was in the shop.

We caravanned out of Kansas City and got a whole 40 miles before car number two disappeared from my rear view.  Soon the phone rang and they were overheating and we needed to find water or coolant or something to get them back at normal operating temperature.  So we drove another 10 or so miles to the next exit where there was only one building in sight and that was a Sinclair station.  This was no ordinary Sinclair station, it was the Sinclair station that now holds the record for selling the most expensive gallon of engine coolant ever.  It kinda felt like a cross between the car repair scene from National Lampoon's Vacation and the "squeal like a pig" scene from Deliverance.  After I signed over the title to the car, we grabbed the coolant and a complimentary gallon of water and headed back towards the breakdown.

After driving back for 20 minutes and not finding them on the side of the road we called only to find out they neglected to mention they had actually pulled off at the exit with the giant floating apple, the Homewood exit.  So, we turned around yet again and headed back about 7-10 miles to where they were.  The radiator took two gallons, the exact same amount the radiator holds.  We are now 60 minutes behind schedule which puts us right on "Peters' Schedule".

We made it to the wedding with ten minutes to spare, after sucking down some lunch and changing into our wedding attire in the parking lot of the oldest Nu-Way resaurant on the planet. The usher was waiting to escort my wife down the aisle (her other nephew, Ryan).  You'll be glad to know, the wedding went off without a "hitch".  (That's a joke)!  But the fun doesn't stop there.  We moved on to the reception at Old Cowtown Museum, a Wichita landmark and partied like it was 1999, or until we were all making fools of ourselves on the dance floor, whichever came first!  Three sevenths of our team were heading back to KC so they said their goodbyes about 10:00 p.m. and hit the road.  As the rest of us were wrapping up the reception and heading to Nana & Papa's to stay the night, we get "the" call that the car is overheating again near El Dorado Kansas. (Dan Holiday's hometown, pronounced with a long a). We figure... well, putting fluid in the car got it to Wichita... it will get it back to KC too.  We make a call and get a sherriff's patrol to take them some water.  They put that in the car and get back on the road...only to start overheating again almost immediately.  They again pull off the turnpike in El Dorado and make yet another phone call to us.  We have now arrived at the in laws house and are so ready to drop into bed for the night...not!  It is now about 12:30 a.m. and we make the decision to go rescue the kids... because they aren't thinking straight and are walking down "El Dorado Chainsaw Massacre" road!   So we packed back up and head out for the hour plus trip to El Dorado. We arrived in beautiful El Dorado a little after two to discover that there was a good chance that the car may not have survived the trip.  Is it bad when steam comes out of the tailpipe?

After checking the Super 8 & the Best Western only to be told NO VACANCY... for crying out loud this is El Dorado, KS...NOT Las Vegas!!  We spent the night at the lovely Heritage Inn where we shared two beds between 7 people and at least that many roaches.  The stains on the sheets as well as the towels coupled with the dead bug smashed and dried on the wall were a bit of a distraction to falling asleep.  We felt extremely fortunate to not have a black light with us.  I'm sure that every part of that room would have lit up with prom night leftovers dating back to 1973... GROSS!!  Most of us dozed off by about 4 am.  Upon waking and trying to figure out what to do with the "car" that is going nowhere on its own power, 7 passengers, luggage and a 5 seater Explorer that all need to get back to KC... we made a few calls to try and get a car dolly.  Youmay want to make a note of this, but car dolly rental places are all closed on Sunday in El Dorado.  So the decision is made to leave the car... figure out how to get 7 people home with the square footage issue we had... hey... Uncle Marvin lives in KC and was at the wedding.  He was fortunate enough to have stayed at the in laws overnight.  So... what are the chances that we can get a hold of him to stop by El Dorado on his way back to KC and give a few of us a ride so we don't have to strap bodies to the roof?  YAHOO... he was just heading to KC and would be by in about an hour to rescue the poor unfortunate souls that drew the short straws and were delegated to the roof!

The ride back to Kansas City was a quiet one.  That would be because everyone but the driver was sleeping.  I would have been sleeping too but I kept hitting my head on the steering wheel and waking myself up.

So Sue Me!

To this point...I have not brought up one very important person in my life...my one and only sister Sue!  I'm her third favorite disc jockey behind Todd and Tyler on Z-92 in Omaha. I think the reason I haven't yet mentioned her is because once I get started telling stories of my life that involve her...I might never stop there are so many that are worthy of telling and they just keep coming!

Here goes...my only sibling's name is Sue James, formerly Peters, and I love her dearly, although I can't say that has always been the case.  There were some times when I was younger that I swear she was trying to either mame or kill me.  Like the time she took my friend John and I to get a malt at Goodrich Dairy.  She purposely backed into the sign pole in the parking lot.  I was not injured but John happened to be taking a drink from his rich and tasty chocolate malt and ended up with it on his face.  Then there was the time we had captured a mink in our neighborhood and were transporting the mink to the zoo in a garbage can as the mink was somewhat surly, bordering on vicious.  My sister purposely delayed traffic at a stop sign in midtown Omaha and allowed a man to come to our car and beat the holy bejesus out of John through the back window.  He obviously thought I'd be sitting on that side of the car. John and I finally had to stop riding with her as John was just getting too beat up.  Come to think about it...maybe I wasn't the target after all! Sue tricked my brother in law Terry into marrying  her right out of high school.  I think maybe she had some compromising pictures of him and he just found it easier to marry her then fight that battle.  Terry kept trying to kill himself by jumping off his Suzuki 50 at it's top speed, but fortunately, the Suzuki only went about twenty five miles an hour. I guess he eventually did come to love her...as they have been married for almost 35 years and have two sons, Chris and Matt.  I think Terry made Sue take a maternity test to make sure she was the mother.  Sue and Terry are singlehandedly keeping Captain Morgan (or any brand of spiced rum, they aren't particular) in business and get preferred seating at most bars in the metropolitan area.  They get red carpet treatment at Harrah's...including access to the Diamond Club...I am sure it is because of the amount of alcohol they consume and not the gambling they do!!  They are a blast to hang around with...but we do have to watch out for the security guards (another story...for another time).

I love both Sue & Terry dearly.  Everything I've said here actually happened.  Don't believe my sister when she disputes the accuracy of what I have said. Did I mention her dog Reno?  Sue swears he reminds her of the original Reno, except he's a different color, temperament, breed and is fixed.  The original Reno got to keep his "boys".

Car 54 Where are you?

Last night I finally met the police officer that gives all cops a bad name.  While cruising home from work I entered the sacred ground known as Westwood Kansas, one of a cluster of small towns on the Kansas-Missouri line that links Kansas City with the Johnson County suburbs and apparently derives a majority of their income from writing tickets to unsuspecting out of towners.  You see, there is a huge flow of drivers through these burgs who have been consuming alcoholic beverages.

I have been stopped probably two dozen times in the last two and a half years and mostly I'm given some crazy excuse as the reason for getting pulled over, like,  "you were kind of swerving", or my personal favorite, "your license plate light is burnt out."  That particular one is really a bunch of hooey.  Think about it.  The light that illuminates your license plate is totally useless.  If it's daylight out you can see the plate just fine.  If it's dark out, unless the officer is following you with his headlights off, his headlights illuminate the tag.  If no one is behind you, light or dark, why would the plate need to be illuminated?

Anyway, usually when I'm pulled over they ask if I've been drinking and I tell them the company frowns on alcoholic beverages at work.  They ask where I work and then its all happy happy Mr. Peters.   The officer and I have a little chuckle and they send me on my way.  I've even been stopped twice in one night, the first within sight of the second.  Not a problem.

Last night I got John Wayne, or at least he thought he was.  "I stopped you because apparently you were too busy on the phone to signal a lane change".  I guess I hadn't even noticed because I really do use my turn signals most of the time.  I gave him my registration, insurance and license.  "How long have you lived in Kansas?"  I said "two and a half years."  He asked "Why haven't you licensed this truck in Kansas yet?"  To which I replied, "Because, as you can see by the name on the registration, this is not my truck.  It is my mother's truck who lives in Nebraska."  I believe he was starting to get really upset with me.  I sat for fifteen minutes while he wrote me a citation for a no signal lane change and burnt out license plate light. 

Well, when he showed me the ticket I said, "You're kidding!"  The ticket fines were almost $150 for the two violations.  He said no he wasn't kidding.  I said I drive through here five nights a week, this is...is...he interupted me with this statement, "This is Bullsh*t?".  I said,  "I was going to say ridiculous."  I have never had a police officer use profanity during a traffic stop.  I thought I better just shut up before he pistol whipped me, maced me or shot me.

To make a long story short, I was furious.  Stacy and I have the utmost respect for police.  Her father was killed in the line of duty as a Wichita police officer and her grandfather was Assistant Police  Chief in Wichita.  Stacy's brother is going to the academy right now and her nephew was a sheriff's deputy.  My cousin Wally is a Sheriff.  I have already written to Westwood Kansas Mayor Johnson.  Stay tuned to see if Westwood Kansas has a public relations policy.  I'm going to bet they don't.  Just another stupid out of towner. 

Help Wanted! 

Westwood Police Department is luking fer offisirs. No peeple skeels rekwired.  We ofer a generus salery PLUS comision!  No xperiance or ejukation necesery.  Overhauls and banjoe furnished.

 

Common Sense Cures

I have come across some incredible home remedies.  These can save you a bundle in hospital bills, prescription costs, headache and worry.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat & presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing  vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the  toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,  will prevent you from rolling over & going back to  sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of  laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a  hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 & Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan. SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES..........  THEY ARE NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT.....  THEY STILL BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN YOU PUSH THEM DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. Some real common sense stuff here.  Feel free  to use them and let me know how it goes.*

*For my less than intelligent and/or lacking in common sense friends and readers, these are not real cures but actually something called humor.  Don't believe everything you read.